-rattlings-
Saturday, March 01, 2003
yayy todae is a nice dae after all :) me and liyi got thru the auditions and we r starting a 6 week training tmr! well, we gotta provide own shoes, makeup which will cost 550.. but well, its gonna be fun. its kinda like a dream come thru.. some mroe got my best fren to go training with me and die on 3-inches together.. hah..
oh and din got for worship prac so the interview ended too late.. so had lunch w my parents and bugis coffeeshop.. the bak kut teh is goot :P then came back to nap and go for cell. i think i am reminded not to be too swept awae by fame and munee and vanity.. but be more rooted in God even in the modelling line.. hmm oh wellz..
okae going to watch teevee w my parents now ;) thank God for another happi daE!!
heyZz.. hope todae will be a nicee dae too!! going off to taka for audition.. den to worship prac, cell den hopefully FOP.. God, hope this dae will be an effective dae for yu.. :)
Friday, February 28, 2003
heyzz! todae is a nicEee daE :)
went for battlefield tour.. the tour was quite doh.. we onli visited a few sites. but brian farell is good lorh. his voice is like naturally mic-ed up.. so loud and deep!! born to be a profFF man. and it was nice getting to noe wj and xl beTta.. and get to noe that ner and frank are attached. our writing class realli full of gossip man :P
oh well... after went back to skool to meet daRh. the law student lounge is damn nice! weesh usp had something like this! oh well.. den ahEmz.. was like drizzling. sigh.. was bit late in meeting dEb.. ended up eating with her frenzz too. oh yah and met jaRed. i dunno why but he is like a real nice younger brother.. offer to lend me umbrella some more :) oh well..
generally a good daE. :) oh yah and jo called me too! yup was nice hearing her voicEe.. :) i also tot bout like uni. wunder how mani real frenz i have in uni. in a wae i admire xl, cos altho she seems quiet and all.. but she makes like many good frenzz... w sam and all.. hmm not jealous or wot.. but mebbe i am not goot at making frenz or izzit cos i fink hanging around after skool etc is quite a waste of time and lose frenz in the procEsS? hmm
Thursday, February 27, 2003
heyzz... todae was great fun :) met liyi in late morning.. watched daredevil.. which is so totalli like spiderman.. liyi said she preferred this one, cos it is more like a comic.. mebbe i am typical, but i like spiderman more.. heh.. shopping around w a gal is more relaxing.. hah.. tried dis black dress from FWS.. nicE! mebbe i shud buy the taka voucher over from liyi.. hmm.. also bought sarahs birthdae pres.. hope she likes pink.. hah
realli must thank God for liyi.. she is a great fren to have.. alwaez around and concerned when i need her.. :) oh and todae, after we got xian of orchard and taka, we went over to heeren and got spotted to go for an interview to be freelance models for advertising.. we r going for the so called audition on sat. hah, i hope it is fun and i hope we both get thru.. sure will be a great impetus to lose weight :P
oh den met daryl around 6. it is like the fIrSt time in 3-4 years we even went out by ourselves and not the outbreakz pple.. but it was strangely comfi. i feel at ease looking thru his mobile.. rammaging thru his wallet. things i cant do with bh.. hmmz. or rather, things he is not happi with me doing and so i cant do. okae.. for pple whu dunno, daryl is like this younger brother of mine.. and my good fren. we dun tok extremely often, but msg each other quite a bit.. but whenever i feel down, he is around.. so yeah. aniwaEz, yah den we watched marrying the mafia!! it was real farnee and nice. in a wae, i am sad that i cudnt be watching it w bh.. cos i noe from the start, he will think i am coercing him to watch it.. so he prob wun enjoy it altho its a great show.
oh wellz, okae.. dunch tok bout him.. took fotos with both of them todAE! yayy i think i am starting to like my new hair cut bit betta :) will upload the fotos when daryl teaches me how to..tmr got battlefield tour... more excuse to take fotoss *grins*
tokking to a fren online now.. he is worried bout going to exchange cos he is afraid of leaving his gf behind.. and he is afraid of losing his frenz here. *sigH* i wunder if bohao will eVer think of this before he goes for exchange.. will he ever worry that if i do not go to nottingham/stay in singapore dat things might happen... hmmmmm
okae for all my goot frenz reading this, i aint depressed cos i have got God :) trusting in His sovereignty is great.. yeah no fear if yu realli trustTtttT wheEe..
okae whatever i am going to sae is v v pte.. so please dun read it.. hah.. it is juz that i dunno how to put this entry as pte.. and realli need a space to sort out my tots.
something realli stoopid happened last nite.. i called him juz to ask him if he minds a change of plan todae.. and i dunno if it is an attack or wot.. we ended up having this extended conversation which brought back a lot of hurts..
dun even noe how it started.. oh well, but just to start.. i find it realli unfair that when soemthing goes wrong w our r/l, he goes to tell others there is something wrong.. tok bout all the wrong things i do, but his frenz doesnt noe the stuff he does that caused things to go downhill.. how wud they noe that during law camp, he broke 4 big promises to me. what right do they have to say "what kinda girl is this" when they hardly even noe me.. nor do they noe wat happened. and of cos, now that they have this tainted impression of me.. a girl whu uses break up to threaten my bf??, how can he even expect me to be absolutely comfortable ard them? or be comfortable with him talking to them when they dun even have a complete picture? i dun even noe if it is bcos satan puts insecure tots in my mind.. but i realli cant be comfi with my bf being with pple who have a negative impression of me. call me selfish or wot.. but i am onli human
its realli weird that all this is happening right after i told liyi that God is great and have been helping me a gain a less selfish perspective on our r/l. its been hard, but fulfilling no doubt. hard to not demand/expect my bf to visit me at my hse when im so sick, but chooses to bz himself at law dae.. den go for dinner with his frenz instead of coming to see me when i realli needed support and a hug. its hard to feel not upset when i feel that i have to be hidden from his mum.. to have to be deposited at places and like a fugitive? its also hard that after i cram my work in the first few daes of holidaes to hopefully spend some relaxing and quality time at the end of the week, i have to understand that he has to study.. when he spent the first half of the week doing non-work related stuff like archery, recceing, training for repro.. den after that he has to sacrifice the onli dae we had together? why izzit he can spend one whole afternoon of non-distracted time at archery but not w me? then when i understand he has work to do, he shows little appreciation... and when i dun and throw tantrums, i am the greatest criminal on earth.. hounding and making my bf feel so chased and tired. God... is there realli something so wrong with me?? sigh.. yu must be the onli one noeing my struggles..
and all he can ask me are things like "does it mean that as long as im w yu, i cannot go clubbing?" or "will you mind if we spend less time together next time?" for the first qn, i *realli* dun fancy the tot of my bf going clubbing, engaging in what he so calls mindless activity, but actualli drinking, watching girls, looking at the bare backs and shoulders and short skirts, listening to sophie ellis bexter then have his frenz send almost porn pictures of her to him, spending late nights with his frenz den telling me he is very tired in subsequent daes and hence, not having quality time with God or me. isnt there a better way to unwind? Lord.. arent yu the ultimate source of peace of joy? why must we resort to drinking and mindless body movements with loud music?
hmm he is not going to be very happi if he is reading this.. er.. oh well, nm, i think its better for me to let it out than let the resentment flu continue. sigh its quite sad that we can have so much happi moments together.. but its trying for him to spend time together after a while? how can it be trying to spend time with a person when yu realli love someone? i treasure every moment i have w him.. but he doesnt.. all this time when i hear my frenz complain about their bfs being lazee while they shop, i alwaes thanked God for having a bf i can shop w.. enjoy walking around malls in, and in the process, create many memories i hold dearly THEN juz last nite, i realized i have been utterly wrong. he totalli dun enjoy shopping w me? cos he feels that when i go and try stuff and all that, we are physically apart.. so we cannot count that as spending time together, so its not quality time to him. sigh, sometimes i think i have a too ideal picture of him. i think of him as understanding, mature and collected. not someone who would purposely go out with his frenz to spite me juz bcos i wasnt happi about it and put down the phone on him. i tot he wud be loving enuff to not do something cos it makes me insecure/hurt.. sometimes i am wrong i guess.. haiz, but one thing i am glad.. at least he said that he is not thinking of breaking up, which is a consolation. this is realli a trial to see if we can understand each other and cope w each others flaws..
having said all this, lord, i noe you are sovereign.. yu have a reason for us going thru all this.. for letting me go thru these hurts and insecurities and trying to deal w them. i noe that everything we go thru, yu have a purpose.. and yu can use my experience to bless others..
okae i shall go enjoy myself shopping and perhaps watching movie with liyi :)
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
oh yah i forgot to sae something v impt..
it was after looking at lizzie and daryl's blog den i was inspired to do up mine.. so thanx to both of yu :P
heyzz i havent been able to publish my blogSs.. wunder why. sigh.. woke up with this acute pain in my tummee when i was napping juz now.. mum kinda grounding me till i get beTta.. sighs
oh well, so i am doing constructive stuff.. like reading econs, ss, and uploading fotos for usc :) prob shud set up a pbase for church too.. heh..
tokking to charlotte online now and she is telling me how happi she is that she got 27/30 for bio.. i am happi for her too :) such astronomous marks seem quite impossible for uni now.. oh sigh
okaEe shall log off and continue doing more constructive stuff.. meanwhile.. my darh is going to sentosa for recce todae.. hope God keeps him safe and sound! :)
