-rattlings-
Friday, March 14, 2003
hmmz something that happened last nite bothers me quite a bit.. i was tokking to z last nite, then brought up the topic of travelling. of cos, this is not the first time we tok bout travelling.. den when i suggested we go to uk this may/june together w cher/fel, he juz kept quiet. hmm what is this supposed to mean? i mean even most good frenz wud love to travel together.. and after all that has happened to us, i juz wish we can go on hol together, to enjoy the moon and stars under a foreign sky, to have him in my foto at eiffel tower.. is it wrong?? why does he make me feel like a criminal for wanting to travel w him?
i noe what he will sure sae to me.. im bz in may, got archery and quest stuff.. so dun bother me. but isnt time made? i mean we all got stuff to do.. it is what yu prioritize? and i mean arch is in june blah blah.. and eVen if yu are really bz, then juz sae it nicely mah. like i wud love to go w yu but i realli cant make it etc.. sigHs. instead of juz frizzing out or pissed off.. is it realli wrong to want to travel with someone special to yu? its like after this hols, 2nd yr will be difficult cos of exchange, then 3rd yr, juz come bk from exchange confirm wun go anywhere.. then the next yr got work and pupilage. no more chance oredi lorh.. sigh
nm shall eat my breakfast and study.. humphs
hmmz so strange onli been 2 daes and i feel like i havent written for such a long time..
yesterdae was goot mugging dae.. came home after lecture at 10am.. den basically relaxed and studied psych. at nite, parents brought me out to celebrate me getting onto deans list.. so went daimaru cos they closing down and got sale. bought shoes and 2 tops.. all at 10 plus onli! had dindin at swensens. realli enjoyed the time with my parents altho dad was tired and mum was having a headache...
todae was damn doh. darh woke me up at 10 plus and i was so damn tired the moment i woke up! so i forced myself to read one chapt of psych and then went back to sleep.. den had to drag myself to skool for class. cg bout evangelism was good in that justin kinda inspired me to memorize verses. xl too. hmms i fink i realli quite inadequate and not disciplined enuff in my spiritual walk.
something quite worrying bout church too. mebbe cos i am used to COR, where chi shyan alwaes emphasizes on rebuking (with love) and not just having words that tickle our ears and make us feel good, like merely emphasizing that God is love, but not talking bout His wrath, judgement etc. and i feel that WOW is so susceptible to this. it was very obvious that the class was VERY uncomfi when kelvin kinda rebuked liz and keith. hmms i fink it wil take us time to realize that love in Gods sense doesnt just talk about being nice and forgiving, but also being accountable and rebuking if one falls awae..
sometimes i feel quite.. i dunno. selfish? god has been real.. he is real! in my life.. i mean, it is like a fact. most people believe there is a god. even muslims and buddhists acknowledge jesus existed!! if they just bothered to be objective and not be indifferent, they wud realize that objectively, jesus' existence cannot be doubt.. the miracles he did.. etc. i think most people do not have a religious cos they do not bother. anywaes. my point is that i REALLI dun share my faith enuff. this july, i wud have been a christian for 5 yrS!! that is quite a long time. and i havent realli brought someone to christ and see the person grow in maturity. unless yu i count jem and street e pple. but still. i dun pray enuff, not enuff compassion for the lost, dun have sense of urgency, for dear frenz like daryl and rena also. its like i feel sad seeing daryl swear and all.. and not having a sense of direction.. not having a close enuff relationship with God to even tell him what course to choose. something i had.. something God graciously gave me but i dun have the courage to share.. sigh
okae.. its getting late i shall finish my picture bible and head the bed.. byess :)
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
hmmz todae is much betta.. feel a bit hangover from yesterdae but generally quite okae :)
was quite tired todae.. but i am glad i met up w cheryl for lunch.. its nice seeing good frenz in uni. it is a pity i am seeing her so little.. realli wish we had more time to interact. darn the stupid arts sytem. but i guess it realli siphons out whu is more impt than whu is not..
todae bh went to mirama to have buffet lunch w his og mates. i fink tho i am still a bit affected by all the bad memories, i thank God that it isnt so acute now. realli wish i cud be like cath, whu totally doesnt mind when wt goes out w other pple. i fink it is gonna take yrs of building trust etc. :) actualli i dun realli noe wot is our r/l anymore. it isnt actualli bf/gf.. it is more like good frenz now but still have commitment? hah i cant define it but i am happi while it lasts. it is nice to have someone to share ur life with..
oh well then took a 3 hr nap to make up for sleep debt.. and then read picture bible!! it is quite addictive i must sae...
trying to be more motivated in studying. onli like 46 daes to end of sem. damn fasT! it is a goot thing the deans list letta came around now... help to push me fwd. i trust that God will be faithful to His promise to help me excel in my studies. of cos, i also must keep to my promise of being disciplined!!
i cant realli help but dream bout what i wanna do during the hols. feel bit bad that bh seems so adamant bout not travelling together w frenz. oh well, now got a few options
1) nepal trekking trip 2) uk w cher 3) uk w fel and mebbe liyi etc.. den also like next yr, wanna do PR, join scrabble and hopefully focus more on modelling.. get a dog
and of cos.. hopefully nothing goes wrong w the lump on my back.. :( jeanettes mum got cancer too.. went for op this morning.. wunder how she is. sigh..
and todae is fie's birfdae. i havent spoken to him proper for so long. sometimes i wunder if it is bcos jo had such a -ve impression of him after a while it passed over.. hmm sigh miss sec skool times when had so many real frenz. now in uni, its a bit hard to find pple yu trust and pple to trust yu back. is this what the real world is? sigh please dun make me turn bitter God..
it is farnee how if i had started a blog like this sae in sec skool, the names that appear wud be so different. probably filled with names like jo, pegz, sy, frog, band life etc. it is scarie how frenz do come and go, but they etch such a deep memory and mark in my heart. sigh. like i juz recalled outta nowhere todae how i used to go swimming with rongxuan in sec 1 + 2 cos we stayed real close to each other last time. and now? i dun even noe her email in uk. sad huh? i fink aging pple will all have the same sentiments. haha
oh and liyi starts her classes todae. realli hope she can find motivation and make right all that has gone wrong :)
okae shud go off and be disciplined in mugging hah byE!
Monday, March 10, 2003
and this is even weirder.. the order of my entries are jumbled up.. everything is screwing up on me? haiz
heyz.. todae is a realli weird dae. i kinda juz lost a fren.. or rather an acquaintance since i hardly knew this person. lets call this person fly. its realli weird.. i tot it was quite natural to want to spend time with a fren yu like and hope to noe betta.. apparently fly misunderstood and called me 'complicated and scheming'. mebbe i am self conceited, but i realliiiiii dun think i can be called scheming?? sometimes i fink i am too simple minded lorh..
haiz, like daryl saes, dis may not be a bad thing. so i am less troubled now. hmm juz hope that fly wun go around blabbing untrue things. well but like xl saes, i cant prevent anything from happening.. so no point worrying..must be a lesson from God man..
havent felt so maligned for a long time.. think i feel more angry den anything else.. plus i dunno how awkward its gonna be.. sigh.. scrEwed up.. so i juz told fly to end our frenship/acquaintanceship.
meanwhile i am gonna start mugging hard.. must maintain 4.8!!! hah God is goot enuff to bless me with good parents, frenz and a soulmate so i must be contented with what i have and not be affected by insignificant souls like fly.. :P
lal todae is sundae.. or rather, mondae morning oredi.. dis sundaes been fulfilling.. dg was fun.. altho i fink i am a bit too passive at times..
model training was fun but tiring.. 2 hrs on 3 inches is taking its toll on my feet. but learning to 'catwalk' and turn gracefully on 3 inches is quite fun. its a challenge.. but yeah. goot thing i alwaes liked to pose in front of cameras... hah!!
oh and i bought a picture bible todae.. good idea for me to finish the old t.. otherwise i cant get pass books like numbers and isaiah..
tokking to nerissa, dar and aaron online now.. aaron got a new dig cam for bdaE!! i also want such frenz.. haha liyi still owes me like 4 years of birthdae present.. i wanna see what she conjures up this yr to make up for all of it hahah.. :) okae time to read my picture bible.. byEes~ :)
